Woman's View of Men
Oil Changes: Men vs Women

Bear Joke

Bike Blessings, the lighter side

Why do so few wives ride

Tools

Technology for Southern RMDers

Masculinity test

Spotted Owl & EPA

Rules males wish females knew

Stranded on a desert island
Y2K Announcement
Environmentalist vs. Dirt Bikers

Is hell exothermic

Re: Is hell exothermic?

More Beer - Govt. testing

Handlebar Harry
 
Assorted
Connie Strikes back

old dirtbiker joke

Rules for part damage and replacement

From: "Sue Arnett"
Newsgroups: rec.motorcycles.dirt
Subject: OT payback
Date: Mon, 09 Feb 2004 17:42:57 GMT

Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on
the ground?
A: Shoot him again.

Q: How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the
noose.

Q: Why do little boy's whine?
A: Because they're practicing to be men.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around
him. OR Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag
about the screwing part.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman
to satisfy his one need.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder: "Instruction Manuals."

Sue

Back to Top


 

From: David Jones <djones@nospam.com>
Newsgroups: rec.motorcycles.dirt
Subject: dirtbiker joke
Date: Sat, 18 May 2002 07:44:10 -0600


An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a dirt biker and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight on
Sundays and out sliding around corners, "shootin" sand washes and riding up and down the steepest, gnarliest
hills I can find at the crack of dawn."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 99 years old and, in fact, he went riding with me this Sunday, and that's why he's
still alive... he's a dirt biker."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 117 years old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went dirt bikin' with you this Sunday too?"

The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this week because he got married."

The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Good Lord!!! Why would a 117-year-old guy want to get married?"


The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"


David - '02 KTM200 EXC
djones@lsidaho.com

  Back to Top


Keith Gumbinger  <binger@hshuna.hsh.com >
From: <nospam/binger@hshuna.hsh.com>
Subject: Re: Got a bike!
Newsgroups: rec.motorcycles.dirt
Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2000 19:38:11 GMT

Instant Spode! Welcome to the big club. You'll fit right in here....

Rules for part damage and replacement, part A, sub 2

1) A bent part can never be satisfactorily straightened on the bike.
Removing the part and correctly straightening it guarantees that
it will no longer fit on the bike correctly.
A brand new part will have to be bent to fit the bike.
Expect to swear and bleed.

2) Parts cost *at least* twice as much as you think they will.
OEM parts which you think should be readily in stock at your dealer
rarely are, but obscure parts may be available NOW.
Aftermarket parts may actually cost less, unless you consider the
research time to find out who makes them, who makes _good_ ones,
who offers them at what price, and how long you'll wait to get them.
Expect to swear and pay. 

3) Any part which is in stock and priced at what you are willing to pay 
will invariably turn out to be the wrong part once you get it home. 
Conversely, taking the old part with you to the dealer to compare 
assures that the part you need will need to be ordered.
Since you can't compare the part until it comes in, an incorrect part
will be ordered, and arrive quickly.
After comparison, the correct part will be ordered, only to discover
that it's backordered and will be delayed. 
Special orders are not returnable, or subject to "restocking fee".
Expect to swear and wait.

4) Damage caused by the failure of the part is usually minimal. 
Damage caused by replacing the damaged part is typically catastrophic,
inconvenient or results in great expense or delay. 
Expect to swear and search for small missing pieces or ponder over
"leftovers"

  Back to Top


Oil Changes, Men vs Women

Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check for $15 and leave with a well maintained vehicle.


Men:
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in the process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips head screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Drive car 1/2 quart low for 7000 miles when it'll be time for another oil change.

  Back to Top


From: Gordon L Banks < glbanks@bellsouth.net >
Newsgroups: rec.motorcycles.dirt
Subject: Bear Joke
Date: Sat, 11 Dec 1999 09:06:59 -0800

Astride his shiny new 125, Frank was thoroughly excited about going riding in the mountains for the first time. After going only a few miles, Frank was surprised to see what appeared to be a half-acre of brown fur just off the trail ahead. Recognizing it as a huge grizzly bear, Frank nailed the throttle hard, hoping to get by before the bear could react. The bear was too quick, though, and with one leap was totally blocking the trail. Frank had no choice but to stop.

"Now that you've disturbed my sleep", said the bear, "you have two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." Frightened beyond belief, Frank decided to bend over.

Still sore a week later, Frank vowed revenge. Back to the cycle shop he went, where he traded in the 125 for a hot 250. Soon he was back on the mountain, heading down the trail. It wasn't long at all before he spotted the grizzly again, napping beside the trail. Feeling certain he had the necessary power this time, Frank nailed the throttle and shot ahead. But once again the bear was too quick, and again he blocked the trail. "That was a big mistake, Frank", said the bear. "But, you know the drill. Either I maul you to death or we have sex... rough sex." Fearful for his life, Frank again decided that it would be wise to comply.

This time it took weeks before Frank recovered enough to get around. But still outraged at the bear, he traded in the 250 and got the hottest 500 money could buy before heading back to the mountain. Now he could outrun the bear, and now he'd prove who was the master! And with the faster 500 under him, it took no time at all before he looked ahead and saw the huge grizzly again. Frank lowered his head, down shifted, and confidently nailed the throttle hard, rocketing ahead so quickly he was barely able to hang on. Incredibly, however, the bear was quicker still, and Frank had no choice but to come to a sliding halt in front of the bear now blocking the trail. A chill ran up his spine as he waited for the bear to speak.

"C'mon, Frank", said the bear. "Admit it. You don't come here to trail ride any more, do you?"

Gordon Banks

  Back to Top


From: djones@lsidaho.com  (David Jones)
Newsgroups: rec.motorcycles.dirt
Subject: Bike Blessing, the lighter side
Date: Mon, 13 Sep 1999 16:19:16 GMT


On Mon, 13 Sep 1999 07:48:40 -0700, Bob La Londe wrote about a bike blessing:

>The idea is to help a tuition
>based and privately funded
>school by having a fun and
>relevant activity.

To which Djones replied:

I mean no disrespect, to each his own and all that, and I applaud your efforts at what I must assume is a worthy cause, but being the irreverent guy I am I couldn't pass up a chance to have a lighter look at this......

>The Blessing of the Bikes

I ride a 99 KTM. Fortunately, unlike the early 90s models which came stock with a Factory Curse, the 99s comes stock with a Factory Blessing. However, I have been tempted to seek out an Aftermarket Blessing. I have heard the No Fear (of Fire and Brimstone) Blessing will help the midrange but kinda falls flat when entering the Hereafter. Maybe the other No Fear (Tho I Walk Thru the Valley) Blessing would be better?

But then again it is a modern machine which makes me wonder if I'd be better off with one from the Latter Day Saints, I've heard they can even go back in time and save old, dead bikes. Old Joey Smith did pretty well in the Woods of New York but had some problems when he got to the Midwest and the killer competition there. The "Brigham Young & Brigham Often Race Team" did wonders in the early desert races in Utah, but back then the male riders were allowed multiple cylinder models which are now officially banned but mostly tolerated by the local tech inspectors. With their Blessing they do however advocate storing up a year's worth of race gas, spark plugs and fork oil which seems like a good idea.

Maybe if I just went with the LDS Blessing I wouldn't have to constantly deal with those irritating sales reps in white shirts and black ties on bicycles at my door. The free workshop manuals they hand out are great but they never seem to have one for my model.

The Jehovah's Blessing has unlimited over-rev capabilities, it just goes on and on and on...........

Of course there's no reason to even consider the Quaker Blessing, they don't work on motorized trails, similar to the Sierra Club/SUWA Blessings.

The Jewish Blessing has been around for quite some time but I've heard there are problems with the front end clipping and something about it not being Kosher for Diesel Pigs, which ignores the whole four stroke market.

The Racist Tech Gold Blessing and Blessing Emulators are becoming popular (especially in the woods of Northern Idaho) but I think they only work if you have white plastic and a White Power suspension.

The Catholic Blessing allows you to flog the crap out of your bike all week in practice but magically, on Sunday, you get a fresh top end, a new chain/sprocket set and new knobbies.

I have read some of the Tech Reports on the Hindu Blessing and it seems to indicate to me that if I take good enough care of my 72 250 Bultaco Alpina, pretty soon it will come back as a Cannondale MX400 or YZF400, true?

>THE ACTUAL BLESSING IS FREE

Send me two, I can always use one as a loaner for when heathens from South Carolina are in town.

  Back to Top


From: "Jay C" <stumpy@tp.net>
Newsgroups: rec.motorcycles.dirt
Subject: Why do so few wives ride? (off topic)
Date: Fri, 13 Aug 1999 11:04:04 -0400

1) How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to you.

2) Why is a laundramat a bad place to pick up a woman? Because women who
can't afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

3) Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

4) How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she
starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

5) How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't, there is a clock on the oven.

6) Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women never shut up long
enough to build up pressure.

7) If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course. At least he'll shut
up after you let him in.

8) All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them
apart.

9) What's worse than a male chauvinist pig? A woman that won't do what
she's told.

10) What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

11) Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

12) Scientists have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex drive by
90%. It's called wedding cake.

13) Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said
dust.

14) In the beginning God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man
and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

15) Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

16) What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.

17) A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and
said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said,
"God, I wish I had your willpower."

18) Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mother-in-laws.

19) A man inserted an ad in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he
received hundred of letters. They all said the same thing. "You can have
mine."

20) The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
once.

21) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with
a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are beautiful.

  Back to Top


From: "Rob Shafer" <rshafer@concentric.net>
Newsgroups: rec.motorcycles.dirt
Subject: Tools!!
Date: 29 Apr 1999 11:08:50 PDT

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far
from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for
drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that
goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting
the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race
out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against
that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time
it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground
after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping
the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle
upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes
and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease
buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the
end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric
acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after
determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you
thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health
benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs
at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used
during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More
often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be
used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact
wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone
in Sindelfingen, and rounds them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

  Back to Top


From: "Jay C" <stumpy.xr4.ar15@cwix.com>
Newsgroups: rec.motorcycles.dirt
Subject: Technology for Southern RMDers <off topic>
Date: Sun, 14 Mar 1999 17:07:31 GMT

Technology for Southern RMDers...

1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.
2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.
4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.
5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.
6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too muchfarwood.
7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.
9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.
11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.
12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.
15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.
16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.
17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.
19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.
20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all"
24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.
Jay

  Back to Top


From: "OffRoader" <novus401@gte.net
Newsgroups: rec.motorcycles.dirt
Subject: Environmentalist vs. Dirt Bikers
Date: Thu, 18 Feb 1999 14:19:39 -0600

A large group on environmentalists was planning to protest at a popular riding area. Upon gathering at the area, they could hear the sounds of dirt bikes being ridden on the other side of a large hill. A few of the rowdier environmentalists decided to take matters into their hands and whup up on the dirty bikers. They scaled the hill and disappeared to the other side.

The sound of the bikes quit, and a quite large scuffle could be heard ensuing. After a short fight, the engines of the dirt bikes fired back up and moments later a Honda appeared atop the hill, flicked the protesters the finger and roosted back down the other side of the hill.

The leader of the enviro's, one Sen. Diane Feinstein, angrily shouted to the
mob to attack the dirt bikers and destroy all of them and make a flaming
pile out of their bikes. The weeny mob tore out up the hill, leaving the
Senator behind of course, and with great threats and shouts, descended the
hill attacking the dirtbikers. A tumultuous roar arose, with the sound of a
horrific battle ongoing. As shrieks of agony and fear came from the far
side of the hill, Sen Feinstein giggled to herself. Suddenly, all became
quiet, as a lone protester crawled down the hill. As the good Senator
removed a desert turtle from his butt, he shouted,  "It's a trap! It's a trap!
There's TWO of them!!!!!!"

Craig

  Back to Top


From: "Miscellaneous, Etc." <dhyman@snet.net
Newsgroups: rec.motorcycles.dirt
Subject: [Fwd: Re: Motorcycle Joke]
Date: Sun, 21 Feb 1999 07:08:42 -0500

Jim Jorgensen is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.  One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says. She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?" And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got a motorcycle in there!"

  Back to Top


From: "ErgoMan" <tnoto@pclvNOSPAM.com
Newsgroups: rec.motorcycles.dirt
Subject: Y2K Problem Announcement!!!!
Date: Mon, 11 Jan 1999 23:07:40 -0800

Sorry for the non-dirtbike related post, but I had to share this with all of
you. I think it sums up this entire Y2K issue that we have all been hearing
so much about. .........

The year 2000 dilemma is solved.

This memo is to announce the development of a new software
system.

We are currently building a data center that will contain all
firm data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as
the "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).

Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will
show MYASS to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations
throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity
to get a good look at MYASS.

As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not
addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person at a
time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS
expands.

Several people are using the program already and have come to depend
on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was
not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. I've
noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid
of MYASS.

Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program,
I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've never put
anything in MYASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first
time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively
painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She
went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready
to kiss MYASS.

I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS
upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been
eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however,
protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.

We planned this database to encompass all information associated with
the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put
anything you want into MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a
time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a
manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in
MYASS."

This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company
during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain
historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how
quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could
be retrieved so rapidly our Environmental Manager proudly stated
"Simple, I just pulled them out of MYASS."

  Back to Top




From: SCREWnjicSPAMMERS@webspan.net (sTeVe?)
Newsgroups: rec.motorcycles.dirt
Subject: Is hell exothermic?
Date: Mon, 07 Dec 1998 14:08:35 GMT

The following is an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid term:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or
some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So,
we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions
state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to
Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since
people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that
all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as
they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in
Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are
added. This gives two possibilities:

1 - If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2 - Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will
drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during
my Freshman year "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep
with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not
succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and
thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

  Back to Top


From: dkl@netcom.com (Douglas K Landau)
Newsgroups: rec.motorcycles.dirt
Subject: Re: Is hell exothermic?
Date: Tue, 8 Dec 1998 04:14:03 GMT


The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our
authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as
the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as
the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much
as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we
receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the
Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will
heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to
the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much
heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for
radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the
earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell
cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the
fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which
burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means
that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We
have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
-- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972

  Back to Top


From: djones@lsidaho.com (David Jones)
Newsgroups: rec.motorcycles.dirt
Subject: Spotted Owl & EPA (Humor)
Date: Sun, 29 Nov 1998 05:52:43 GMT

A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon.
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She
wanted to get a good view of her land, so she started to climb the
big tree.

As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked
her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the
ground and got many splinters in her private parts.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. He listened
to her story, then told her to go into the examining room and he
would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours
before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, "What took you
so long?"

He replied "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental
Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land
Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational
area."

  Back to Top


From: Jared <jorgejar@ucs.orst.edu>
Newsgroups: rec.motorcycles.dirt
Subject: rules males wish females knew
Date: Sat, 31 Oct 1998 11:14:42 -0800


2. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
3. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
4. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
5. Birthdays, Valentines Day, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!
6. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
7. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
8. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
9. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different; it's just like every other cat.
10. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
11. Sunday = Riding. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
12. Shopping is not sport.
13. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
14. You have enough clothes.
15. You have too many shoes.
16. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
17. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
18. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.    
19. No, he doesn't know what day it is, he never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
20. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range while sitting . We're bound to miss sometimes.
21. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes - what makes you think
we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would  look  good with your dress?
22. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
23. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a  doctor.
24. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
25. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
26. Check the oil in your car.
27. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
28. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
29. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the "quiz" together.
30. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
31. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
32. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of those ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
33. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
38. Consider "Riding" a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
And finally, the number one rule that men wish women knew is:

1.  Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

  Back to Top



From: "ted" tcassel@donet.com 
Newsgroups: rec.motorcycles.dirt
Subject: Re: More Beer - Govt. testing
Date: 19 Apr 1998 16:41:24 GMT

USA, Palo Alto, CA (AP) -- "Yesterday scientists revealed that beer
contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the
scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them
gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly
emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned."

  Back to Top


From: emarple@aol.com (EMARPLE)
Newsgroups: rec.motorcycles.dirt
Subject: Masculinity test...Warning: male-oriented, adult humor.

(Uwe Hale sent this to me a few weeks ago. After reading it at least 20 times, I
still get a laugh every time.) For your reading pleasure:


Subject: Masculinity Test

1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:

a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:

a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss motocross racing on ESPN2

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:

a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you
really are a man.

If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still
a little confused.

If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.

  Back to Top


From: "Come to Butthead" no@way.com
Newsgroups: rec.motorcycles.dirt
Subject: *************HANDLE BAR HARRY************
Date: 18 Apr 1998 16:11:13 GMT

 

I made it to the second turn! Running in 5th place I can't believe it! But in my mind all I can think about is Handle Bar Harry! That cheap ass rider who will stop at nothing to run you off the track, I heard he put 2 riders in the hospital last race, get in his way and you're dead meat! Going through the whoops now but I think I hear his four stroke coming up.

Oh! God! Panic is setting in, shit I overshot the turn. Got get on the gas now! I hear him behind me! More gas faster, faster , I'm in trouble now. Going in the long straight section. More gas more gas I can feel him on my ass! Oh shit he is trying to pass! Going in too the hairpin turn. More gas, more gas. It's him! Oh God, we're tangled coming out the turn.

Down we go into the dirt. I'm thinking "Well, next a fist fight." I'm trying to get up. The other guys is kicking to get started and he is screaming hurry, hurry! Handle Bar Harry is right  behind us!

Short story by the old mechanic


 Back to Top



Assorted Rude and Crude RMDers June 1998:

Reasons Dirt Bikes Are Better Than Women:

(Kevin ?)

Your Dirt Bike doesn't mind if you bring home another Dirt Bike.
If you don't use your Dirt Bike for a while, it will still be there.
You can share your Dirt Bike with a friend.
Your Dirt Bike doesn't get mad if you read Dirt Bike magazines.
You can legally use a pressure washer on your Dirt Bike.
If your Dirt Bike has gas, it's a GOOD thing.
You always know where to get a new Dirt Bike.

Back to Top


(servnwic@aol.com (SERVNWIC)

Your Dirt Bike doesn't mind riding in the back of the truck.
Your Dirt Bike doesn't complain if you don't take a shower.
Your Dirt Bike doesn't tell the neighbors Dirt Bike how many times you fell off.
Your Dirt Bike doesn't put its cold tires against your back when your trying to sleep.
Your dirt bike never has a headache.

  Back to Top


(DJones)

You can have more than one dirt bike at a time, although riding more than one could prove difficult and dangerous, but exciting.
Your dirt bike acts the same ALL MONTH LONG!
If the bottom end is worn out you can have it rebuilt.
Ditto on the top end.
You can re-sleeve a worn out cylinder.
Your bike doesn't try to change your riding style after you've had it a few months.
Bikes have grips and foot pegs so you don't fall off when you are going really fast and it gets rough and bumpy.
You can feed it all you want and your 250 will NEVER become a 500.
When you go to the store to buy new "filter pads" you needn't be embarrassed.
Filter pads can be cleaned and re-used.
You can buy a silencer for a dirt bike.
It has a kill switch. At your command your bike will be quiet until you tell it to speak once again.
The smaller and more compact your tool bag the better.
Your bike doesn't care if that new fender makes it's rear end look too big.
You get to choose the style and size of the knobbys.
In an emergency you can always ride double.
If you are lost, your bike won't insist you stop and ask directions.
Your bike doesn't care if you get off in the middle of a ride to have a sandwich or a smoke.
No matter how fast you are, you and your bike always arrive at the end of the ride at the same time.
You and your buddy can stop in the middle of a ride and swap bikes. The bike doesn't care who is on it.
It doesn't matter how much you ride it, your bike will never get really fat and start spitting out little PW50s..........

  Back to Top



(JayC)

Dirt bikes love to be ridden.
Dirt bikes let you know immediately when you treat them incorrectly.
Dirt bikes throw a lot of mud and shit, but, never at you.
Dirt bikes carry your ass over very rough crap as opposed to positioning you directly in the middle of it.
Your dirt bike a maintenance is as simple as bringing it to the shop.
Dirt bikes only cost you money when you use them as opposed to when you don't.
When she burns rich and dribbles out the back, simply lower the jet size.
When the juggs get clapped out, simply replace them.
Chewing up the knobs is no problem, simply by new ones. With no complaints.
When she looses teeth, replace the sprockets.
Deep water riding doesn't require special lubrication.
They have a little button which you can push at any time which makes them go silent......until you kick them again.
They have seats which get smaller with time.
When they are whining it means you're having fun!
AND BEST OF ALL: She comes in either 2 or 4 strokes. No more than that.


 Back to Top



(Robmx91)

Bikes like to ridden in the woods.
Bikes never leave you for an other rider.
Bikes never fake a POWER BAND!

  Back to Top


From: "Lisa Horn" <jeffhorn@computek.net>
Newsgroups: rec.motorcycles.dirt
Subject: Reasons bikes are better than Men
Date: 27 Jun 1998 03:00:24 GMT

Reasons why dirt bikes are better then men:

1) You can get em on the pipe as often and for as long as you would like.
2) Gas is a good thing.
3) After you rev them up they don’t roll over and go to sleep.
4) When they’re out of gas it only takes a minute to fill them up and get them going again.
5) They don’t blame exhaust coming from their tailpipes on the dog.
6) They don’t expect sex when they take you out for a “good” time..
7) You can kick them to get them started on a Saturday morning and they won’t complain.
8) If you don’t like the size of their pipe you can buy a bigger one.
9) If they stop working, you can take them to the shop to be fixed.

 [ Back to Top ]


From: motoXmom901@webtv.net (Connie)
Newsgroups: rec.motorcycles.dirt
Subject: Re: OT--wifes READ!!!
Date: Fri, 12 Oct 2001 09:07:50 -0400 (EDT)


Hummm . I agree with Janet on this one ..But since its supposed to (i hope at least) be humors ..heres one for the ladies.. Guys, this is all a joke ok ?? Kinda also goes with the RMD humor.


For all of you (especially men) who like to send blonde jokes, it's time for  paybacks...

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?  Both of them. 

Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut.

Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They don't stop and ask for directions.

What do men and sperm have in common?  They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.

What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds mature.

Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know; it has never happened.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?  They all already have boyfriends.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.

When do you care for a man's company? When he owns it.

Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? His hand caught fire.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?  Put the remote control between his toes.

What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.

What did God say after creating Eve? Practice makes perfect.

How are men and parking spots alike?  Good ones are always taken and what ever is left is handicap or short.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?  They're married. 

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." 
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you"


 [ Back to Top ]

 

Hit Counter